Fapril Aools

April Fools’ Day is tomorrow. Most readers probably shrug their shoulders at the First of April and the hilarious traditions associated with it. And that’s fine with me. This holiday has survived hundreds of years, fueled by the naiveté of dissenters who choose to ignore this day’s importance. But the privy among us know that April Fools’ Day has, for generations, been a day of side-splitting practical jokes, uproarious antics, and hysterical accidental deaths (for the record, you can have “too much Exlax”). And if you’re on the fringe about participating, why not just try a prank or two tomorrow? You’d be a FOOL not to!
For those of you who are eager to join in on the fun, but are at a loss for ideas, the following list of playfully amusing gags has been compiled:

1.) Put cottage cheese in your roommate’s/spouse’s bed.

Here, I must give credit where credit is due. Unfortunately, with the holiday fast approaching—and due to my large readership—I cannot divulge the true name of this prank’s mastermind. So for now, I will refer to him (or her?) as “Alex Braser”.
Now, the keys to this prank are: surprise, cottage cheese, and bed. That’s it, actually. Just put that disgusting excuse for a dairy product under the sheets, and listen for the inevitable, “Ugh...eww!!! What is that? Curdled milk?” Well, technically, yes. “Oh my…oh no…the texture is unbearable and…ugh, just look at it.” Really, you’ll just be hearing the same things people should be saying when they are eating cottage cheese.
To avoid suspicion after buying the cottage cheese (because, seriously, no one’s going to believe you actually plan to eat that crap), tell your target that your grandparents are planning to visit—those things will eat anything (thanks, Great Depression!).

2.) You’ve always wanted your friend/relative/complete stranger to quit smoking those disgusting and smelly cheap cigars, right? But nothing you say or do ever seems to deter their nasty habit, does it? Well, this next prank is perfect for you.
First, you’ll need to find a time when your target leaves his/her cigars lying unsupervised. When this happens, act fast, and grab one (April Fools’ tip: temporarily replace the cigar with a rod pretzel—no one can tell the difference). Next, you’ll hollow out some of the tobacco. Give the removed tobacco to the kids; that should double realism and fun in Cowboys and Indians.
This next part is important, so pay attention: in the hole you’ve created, carefully pour some gunpowder. It is completely up to the prankster as to just how much gunpowder to use, but I can’t imagine you’ll need more than a few thimbles full. Then, carefully hide the evidence of your deed by placing a pinch of tobacco on top of the gunpowder, and put the “improved” cigar back in place of the dummy cigar (feel free to enjoy that pretzel, you’ve earned it!). All you have to do now is sit back and enjoy the show. The smoker will light go to light up and BOOM! he’s covered in soot and the cigar has safely splintered back over his incredulous face. Then, he’ll quit smoking (you’ve scared the nicotine out of him).

3.) Is Bobby Bully giving you a hard time at school? Well, the next time he comes to take your milk, just act naturally, begging him to leave you alone but ultimately giving in to his demands. As he snorts with amusement at your pathetic actions and begins downing your milk, jump up on the table and shout, “April Fools’, bully—that’s poisoned milk!”
And as he spits out the milk with frightened surprise, everyone will raise you on their shoulders and parade you around the hallways, shouting, “Hail So-and-so; the Bully has fallen!” And who knows? They might even make you King of School…you’ll definitely get Prom King.

Also, April Fools’, don’t do that last one because I don’t want to get in trouble. I repeat: No poison.

Or is this last part just an April Fools’ joke? *Wink*

Why not, instead, try simply putting cottage cheese in his bed? Seriously, that would be so disgusting.