Fapril Aools

April Fools’ Day is tomorrow. Most readers probably shrug their shoulders at the First of April and the hilarious traditions associated with it. And that’s fine with me. This holiday has survived hundreds of years, fueled by the naiveté of dissenters who choose to ignore this day’s importance. But the privy among us know that April Fools’ Day has, for generations, been a day of side-splitting practical jokes, uproarious antics, and hysterical accidental deaths (for the record, you can have “too much Exlax”). And if you’re on the fringe about participating, why not just try a prank or two tomorrow? You’d be a FOOL not to!
For those of you who are eager to join in on the fun, but are at a loss for ideas, the following list of playfully amusing gags has been compiled:

1.) Put cottage cheese in your roommate’s/spouse’s bed.

Here, I must give credit where credit is due. Unfortunately, with the holiday fast approaching—and due to my large readership—I cannot divulge the true name of this prank’s mastermind. So for now, I will refer to him (or her?) as “Alex Braser”.
Now, the keys to this prank are: surprise, cottage cheese, and bed. That’s it, actually. Just put that disgusting excuse for a dairy product under the sheets, and listen for the inevitable, “Ugh...eww!!! What is that? Curdled milk?” Well, technically, yes. “Oh my…oh no…the texture is unbearable and…ugh, just look at it.” Really, you’ll just be hearing the same things people should be saying when they are eating cottage cheese.
To avoid suspicion after buying the cottage cheese (because, seriously, no one’s going to believe you actually plan to eat that crap), tell your target that your grandparents are planning to visit—those things will eat anything (thanks, Great Depression!).

2.) You’ve always wanted your friend/relative/complete stranger to quit smoking those disgusting and smelly cheap cigars, right? But nothing you say or do ever seems to deter their nasty habit, does it? Well, this next prank is perfect for you.
First, you’ll need to find a time when your target leaves his/her cigars lying unsupervised. When this happens, act fast, and grab one (April Fools’ tip: temporarily replace the cigar with a rod pretzel—no one can tell the difference). Next, you’ll hollow out some of the tobacco. Give the removed tobacco to the kids; that should double realism and fun in Cowboys and Indians.
This next part is important, so pay attention: in the hole you’ve created, carefully pour some gunpowder. It is completely up to the prankster as to just how much gunpowder to use, but I can’t imagine you’ll need more than a few thimbles full. Then, carefully hide the evidence of your deed by placing a pinch of tobacco on top of the gunpowder, and put the “improved” cigar back in place of the dummy cigar (feel free to enjoy that pretzel, you’ve earned it!). All you have to do now is sit back and enjoy the show. The smoker will light go to light up and BOOM! he’s covered in soot and the cigar has safely splintered back over his incredulous face. Then, he’ll quit smoking (you’ve scared the nicotine out of him).

3.) Is Bobby Bully giving you a hard time at school? Well, the next time he comes to take your milk, just act naturally, begging him to leave you alone but ultimately giving in to his demands. As he snorts with amusement at your pathetic actions and begins downing your milk, jump up on the table and shout, “April Fools’, bully—that’s poisoned milk!”
And as he spits out the milk with frightened surprise, everyone will raise you on their shoulders and parade you around the hallways, shouting, “Hail So-and-so; the Bully has fallen!” And who knows? They might even make you King of School…you’ll definitely get Prom King.

Also, April Fools’, don’t do that last one because I don’t want to get in trouble. I repeat: No poison.

Or is this last part just an April Fools’ joke? *Wink*

Why not, instead, try simply putting cottage cheese in his bed? Seriously, that would be so disgusting.

Goodbye, Eileen

It is late, and I am tired.

Tonight, I said goodbye to my friend Eileen. I don't know if she will ever read this, but if she does, she should know that I enjoyed her company immensely, and I am grateful for her listening to my ramblings.

Eileen is one of few people I know who enjoys films as much as I do. We talked movies a lot, and she always caused me to realize the important role they play in my life.

Although our time together as friends has come to an end, I hope that even while thousands of miles away, we can keep in touch.

She understood--or pretended to understand--almost every joke, story, and piece of understanding I threw at her, and that was the most important thing she could offer me.

So I must end with what is expected: Goodbye, Eileen.

I miss you already.

One Giant Leap...For Mankind

I'm tired of putting it off. I always say that I am going to do it but then reason my way out of it. Over the last couple of years, I have spent a good amount of time writing for it and contemplating it.

Well, this summer, I am going to do a proper stand up comedy routine. A good friend and I have been talking about doing a duo show for a long time. Unfortunately, we've already retired from that and moved on to sketch comedy. Having written no sketches after 5 months, I am ready for us to come out of stand up retirement and do a show.

The only problem is that I can't write any good/original material. Between the two of us, nothing has come to fruition.

But now, on this blog in front of literally tens of people, I am announcing a Summer Stand Up Show. Even if I have to go on alone, I am going to do it. Never did I actually aspire to be a comedian because: 1.) it forces me to assume that I have funny things to say 2.) writing is too hard 3.) it just never appealed to me. Now, however, I see every hindrance as one collective challenge that I have to face.

Another aspiration that has only recently emerged is a desire to start a legitimate band. Despite years of practice and enjoyment in music, I have always thought it silly to join a band. People do the same stuff over and over again, and that is a huge turn off for me. Improvising and just messing around are two of the most enjoyable pastimes for me, while set, pre-written and overly-rehearsed music isn't that interesting to me. My iTunes has about 28 songs on it; I have tried to get into listening to music, but I can't seem to do so.

Yet again, I am faced with this obstacle--albeit, an obstacle that I don't actually have to hurdle. Nonetheless, I find myself at a stage in my life where I am beginning to see thousands of doors leading to all sorts of different opportunities. And, luckily, I can go through as many as I want. But that doesn't mean I can easily go through every door I see. Some doors have locks, so I'll have to find the keys for those. Others have big, heavy chiffarobes (thanks, To Kill a Mockingbird) on the other side. To combat all of this, I have, over the years, been collecting the suggestions of many people--wise and other. The overall message seems to be to do everything you can with what little talent you have and never worry about what you can't do. It is important that people think you are doing them a favor by showcasing your talents.

Unfortunately, I can't be funny; but I know I can work hard enough to trick people into believing I'm a comic genius. And I'm a mediocre musician, but I have Drayton Eggleson. Drayton, I will ride your coattails wherever you go. Folks, right now, I am not cut out to make it in either of the aforementioned fields.

But, damnit...I don't want to get a real job.

Ping Pong and Paul

In the previous entry, I mentioned that tonight ended with table tennis. I have my paddle (Brits call it a "bat") here with me, and I have been searching for a place to play. Luckily, I discovered such a place earlier this week (I read about it in a pamphlet), and I found myself there for the first time tonight. I do plan to write about this overall experience another time, but for now I simply want to leave a reminder to myself about a guy a played with called Paul. He and I--not minding the others for a time--just knocked the ball back and forth for what surely must have been an hour and a half. The group became sparser and sparser as our practice session became more and more intense. Back and forth, back and forth, back and...net. Paul being the superior player, I felt a need to be sure he was getting in a good session. We were both pouring sweat...Paul, with his dreadlocked hair, old school Adidas shirt, and Jamaican flag wrist sweatband all soaking up his perspiration; and, I, with my red collared shirt and black dress slacks soaking up mine. Just think about the situation: my first night in a place containing only strangers playing a game that, while legitimate in every way, is not generally taken very seriously. And it came to a point where it was just Paul and I sweating out this practice session. We would have played until 3 am, I know it. But we were shutdown because the building managers had to set up for a seminar taking place tomorrow. Now, to me, this is not immediately a strange situation. In fact, I find myself in these situations often. Yet it really is an odd circumstance. Paul seems like a really good guy. Actually he seems awesome. But how do I know? How is it possible that people can connect in such a way with such ease and comfort? After being given the boot, we sat and talked for another quarter hour about the dangers of Fundamentalism. That's an absurd series of events. Two strangers, with a rift of age and origins between them, just shooting the breeze like close chums...because of table tennis. And I don't want to forget it.

Blessings

Because I know people who read this blog don't want to be preached to, I generally "take it easy" when it comes to writing about God and my faith. Now, I don't know if I'm right or wrong to do so, but such is the case.

And, honestly, I don't know if it would be taken seriously when put up against an easily made free Tibet joke.

But I do know that it would be wrong--and, indeed, selfish--of me not to give God the credit for all of the good things that I have been given. Obviously, that is a general statement, so I want to glorify God specifically for what He has been doing for me here in London.

I will take it a step further and thank Him just for today. It is coming up to midnight on Sunday. This morning, I woke up feeling completely good. Yesterday, I went to a park and kicked around the rugby ball, after running with all of my gear for about 5 miles. I was at the park for a few hours, and was able to put in a good workout. I mention this because this morning I was successfully sore, if you'll allow the phrase. My whole body was feeling the workout--a good feeling.

Also, my arm was completely asleep. I couldn't move it for a minute or so. That may not seem like a good thing, and it isn't necessarily. But it was a really interesting experience nonetheless

After a bowl of my Sainsbury's Whole Grain fruit & fibre (I eat a bowl a day), I went out for a walk with my notebook. It was still drizzling after a bit of heavier rain, which is my favorite weather here because everything feels so British when it is slightly damp. I found a nice little place to sit and write in the entrance of a Catholic church (I should note it being a church was just a happenstance, no metaphor intended).

I sat and wrote out a few pages of something I have been working on that I might blog about tomorrow.

Feeling content to leave my work be, I walked home under the care of my black and tan umbrella. Back at my place, I was flooded with some important emails. For the purpose of time, I will not go into too much detail. I couldn't hope to do justice to the happiness I felt after an email from a brother, a dear old friend, and a future roommate with news of some progress in the search for housing for 2008-09. On and on came the good news.

And perhaps the only appropriate cap for such a day: table tennis.

All of this from a God who really is looking out for me, often by surrounding me with people who do the same. He's keeping me close and I can't help but express my praise of Him.

False Promises

This morning, when I was coming back from a meeting, I happened to walk by a demonstration taking place about 200 yards from my housing unit. I grabbed my camera and hurried to take some photos, afraid that heavy rain was on the way.

So I took my place across the street from the roughly 250 people standing around listening to a woman speak about the horrible ordeal she had been through in her home country. And though I, too, listened to her moving story, my
interest wasn't completely piqued until I heard the magical words: free tibet.

Mmm, mmm, mmm...!

Being the curious (and hungry!) guy I am, I crept into the crowd to look around.

But you know what? There was no tibet to be found. I looked all around, but found nothing. I think some people must have had seconds which is pretty selfish because I didn't get any. I stood and listened politely that whole time, but was not handsomely rewarded. Now, perhaps I shouldn't judge, but I can understand why those people put that woman in jail--if she's a liar, she's most likely a thief, too.

Anyway, I guess the saying remains true that if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

Whoops! You almost read this one.

I am about to read a book and go to bed (as a quick aside: we read books to fall asleep because books are boring and reading them makes the brain say, "Well, I'd rather be doing nothing than doing this.").

But before I do that, I want to share an experience I had roughly five minutes ago.

I have been missing American sports, which--for me--means I have been thinking about them and my relationship to them. I'm not the biggest sports nut, but I am a fan (basketball and baseball are the big ones I am currently missing out on).

Anyway, in trying to come up with a terrible metaphor for this relationship, I have created the following:

I'd rather play a sport than be a sport...just like I'd rather be a bee than be honey.

If you or anyone you know is having trouble coming up with a terrible simile/metaphor, let me know the parameters, and I will work within them to create one.